The Cost of Being “Nice” (And Why Kindness Is So Much More Powerful)
By Deep Roots Wellness
Let’s be honest: most of us were raised to be nice.
Especially as women, we were taught to smile, nod, say yes, be agreeable, and never—ever—make anyone uncomfortable. We were handed a script early on: if you’re sweet and selfless, you’ll be loved. You’ll be safe. You’ll belong.
But here’s the truth we’re finally ready to say out loud:
“Nice” isn’t always kind.
In fact, sometimes, it’s the opposite.
Nice Is About Being Liked.
Kindness Is About Being Real.
Being nice often means abandoning your own truth to avoid conflict. It looks like:
Saying “yes” when you’re exhausted and want to say no.
Smiling through a conversation that goes against your values.
Putting someone else’s comfort above your own boundaries.
Resenting others but blaming yourself for not “being enough.”
Sound familiar?
We’ve all done it. It’s a survival skill, a coping mechanism rooted in fear—fear of rejection, disapproval, or not being seen as “good.”
But kindness? That’s a whole different frequency.
Kindness comes from wholeness, not from woundedness. It’s clear. It’s honest. It holds space for others without abandoning the self.
Kindness Sounds Like…
“I care about you, but I need to rest today.”
“That doesn’t sit right with me, and I want to talk about it.”
“I’m at capacity. I can’t take this on right now.”
“No, thank you.”
Kindness isn’t always comfortable. But it’s always compassionate. It doesn’t seek to avoid tension—it seeks to honor truth.
Why “Nice” Burns You Out
When we’re nice at our own expense, we set ourselves on the path to burnout.
Because the truth is: if you are constantly ignoring your own needs to be palatable or pleasing to others, resentment builds. Exhaustion builds. Self-trust erodes.
Eventually, “being nice” stops being a choice and starts feeling like a prison.
But kindness—true kindness—is sustainable. It’s generous, but it has boundaries. It gives from overflow, not depletion.
From People-Pleasing to Authentic Presence
So, how do we begin to shift from nice to kind?
Start Here:
Pause Before You Please
Ask: Am I doing this from fear or from love?Tolerate Discomfort
You can’t control how others feel about your truth. Let that be okay.Honor Your Limits
Your “no” is just as sacred as your “yes.”Be Kind to Yourself First
Speak to yourself with the same compassion you offer others.Practice Real Talk in Small Moments
Instead of saying “It’s fine,” try “Actually, that doesn’t work for me—but here’s what would.”
This isn’t about becoming blunt or harsh. It’s about becoming honest. Present. Grounded in integrity.
The Bottom Line
Niceness seeks approval.
Kindness seeks connection.
And connection—real connection—requires truth. It asks us to bring our whole selves to the table, even when it’s messy or inconvenient.
This week, notice when you feel the urge to be nice instead of kind. Ask yourself:
What would kindness look like here?
And remember: you can be loving and clear. You can be supportive and have boundaries. You can be kind… without being “nice.”
Want more?
Listen to our latest podcast episode “Nice vs. Kind: The Truth About People-Pleasing & Real Compassion”. It’s a heart-to-heart conversation on unlearning old scripts and choosing authenticity over approval.
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Let’s talk: When was the last time you chose kindness over niceness? Come share with us—we love hearing your stories.
Remember: You are not alone, and we love you!
Tonia & Jennifer